The Biggest Doubt takes up my Mind

Damien Rice-"Volcanos"
Don't throw yourself like that In front of me - I kissed your mouth your back - Is that all you need? - Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down -
What I am to you is not real - What I am to you you do not need - What I am to you is not what you mean to me - You give me miles and miles of mountains - And I'll ask for what I give to you - Is just what i'm going through - This is nothing new - No no just another phase of finding what I really need - Is what makes me bleed

Damien Rice-"Cannonball" Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth - Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt - Still a little hard to say what's going on

He seems so perfect..just like he has since...forever.. i guess... I really dont want to be some other girl he dated..i want to be something AMAZING..
I need to stop being so Boring..no one wants a bore.. I read in a magazine (not that they should be relied upon as ..reliable sources) Pretty girls..are incidentally Bores..cuz they never had to climb up from the bottom to get to the top for what they deserve..and..im finding myself a bore..
It makes me wonder if i have even discovered my identity yet.. I thought i did..but now everythings changing.. im thinking different ways.. I dont know what i want to do with myself anymore..
Im just

floating

and i want to know what im doing here .. of course not my purpose.. but what do i really want for myself..
I used to be this strong willed person who would not give up for something ireally wanted..and here i am.. I have given up my first love (Softball)..Im getting Fat...im slow...my studious personality has ran away..i dont know..
and im just not acting the way i want to around Joshua.
I hope that i have not lost him..
I dont really know why i would think that..he had a euchre tournament today.."tradition"..we hung out the past 4 days.. we're hangin tommorow..
I want to have something Exhilerating to do tommorow..
something that will win him
something to make sure..hes going to be with me for a while
something to make me seem Amazing!
something that will make me confident in myself that this is going to work out..

ive gone to far to let this boy slip from my grasp..
this is my chance..
and i must go for it. Im happy to have him..

why let go..

But.. as i was at my friends suprise party..and josh was there..
everyone had their girl/guy by their side and everyone was the same..the girls quiet..the boys talking..and prolly thinking *oh god..girls*..and before i was one of the guys.. i may not have been playing cards but i sure as hell wasnt just sitting around being all quiet..
kinda pisses me off that im like this..

anyway
no more boringness
Im going to be full of life! have stuff to talk about! have my creativity back! have myself back!!.. it may take time.but

"before brilliance..comes chaos."

eh..Whatev.

I Like him a lot..
dont let me screw this one up..

I dream..